JJ’s Quotes

Clown humor

 

 

 

Not wanting to be redundant, these are things I’ve said, but I’m not admitting it. And I’m denying I’m in denial.

 

 

 

 

  • Hillary Says the Redskin’s name is insensitive, but what about the insensitive Democrat Party.
  • Liberals ban the Christian Religion but they accept Sharia Law
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • The Democrats’ efforts in running this country are monumental endeavors of fecklessness.
  • The more I get to understand Democrats, the more I see the value of loving rats.
  • They keep telling me marriage is a two way street, but it befuddles me when I keep getting ticketed for going the wrong way.
  • We had to discontinue doing an exercise in the military called “Partner-assisted Inverted push-ups. Too many soldiers were coming up positive during their pregnancy test. 
  • It has been determined that democrats are Siamese twins with Jellyfish but they are only attached at the Mouth and Anus but inverted. That’s why democrats are notorious for talking a lot of shit and the jellyfish are starving to death because they are getting nothing in return.
  •  With our Congress, the odoriferous effervescents permeate the air they breathe; a result of their continuous oral defecation striking the blades of their fan of perpetual prevarication. You mean their lies stink? Yeah, you could put it that way! 
  • At all cost, I want to protect the country, liberals want to protect the planet and Obama wants to protect his votes. Did I mention it was at all cost?
  • There is absolutely no clue that will help the clueless!
  • Obama says he has killed many programs that don’t work; he missed one! The Public School System!
  • I’ve tweeted so much today, I am getting twitterpated!
  • I’m more mature now! like really old cheese!
  • I used to be old but I am much older now. Funny how that works.
  • Perversion is an oxymoron since we no longer have any deviations from human behavior that is considered abnormal.
  • In “The Office”  TV Program, have you noticed how much work they never do? That is all you notice.
  • The fact of the matter is; and that is a fact.
  • Ships do not run into each other if they pass in the night; and that goes for during the day, too.
  • The bible says separate the sheep from the goats. That’s because goats eat absolutely everything and that includes the sheep.
  • When the lights go out as you reach the horizontal position, you are drunk to excess.
  • A staggering drunk is 100% proof he has not fallen down yet.
  • One drink is better than two but only if the prior is three times bigger than the latter.
  • Hey!  I don’t drink all the time;  just when I am not sleeping.
  • Out of respect, I refuse to be smarter than a doornail. And that goes for hangnails, as well.
  • Someone said to me, “you wanna know something?” And I said, “not really, my knowledge is limited as it is.”
  • Let’s face it; I can’t stand to look at that!
  • I don’t care that I don’t care that I don’t care. And I couldn’t care less about that.
  • My mind is like Duskiness next to Darkness,  but just a little bit dimmer than the latter.
  • I am so perversionally handicapped, I don’t deserve a sticker.
  • Let me repeat:  “this will be the first time I haven’t said anything I haven’t said before.”
  • My brilliance is only surpassed by my exceptional lack of intelligence.
  • The luminosity of my intelligence is only visible during the hours of no moonlight.
  • I have no idea where I am going but that is where I always end up.
  • The future is not going to be what it use to be because it was history then.
  • Humility is at the root of all my embarrassments.
  • I don’t know nothing; and that makes me very intelligent.
  • If you come to a place you don’t want to be, you shouldn’t have gone there.
  • When I come to a fork in the road, I pick it up. It will support the rest of my plastic ware.
  • Taking anger management classes makes me really angry.
  • My mind is like a steel trap, nothing gets in, and nothing gets out.
  • My sexy swimwear at the age of 66 are Speedos and a man’s sports bra!
  • My wrinkles are so old; I have to use a Q-tip to clean between them!
  • What happens in my brain, stays in my brain!
  • The only time I’m tired is when I’m awake!
  • Yeah I know I’m slow, and I am very quick at it, too!
  • I AM multitasking, I do one thing after another!
  • I said to the policeman: “I only drank one beer ………………………. after another!”
  • “It is what it is” OK then, what is it?
  • I’m not sarcastic, I’m just excessively polite!
  • I am a good husband; I put myself on timeout  – In the garage!
  • The first 50 years of marriage will have lasted longer than the next.
  • I’m so old I need a diaper when I laugh!
  • If I had to sing for my dinner, I’d starve to death!
  • Anything I shouldn’t have done, I don’t remember doing!
  • My deficit reduction plan begins at my passing!
  • I volunteered for a brain transplant; but this time I want to be the donor.
  • Always put off until tomorrow what you don’t want to do today!
  • The older I get, the more of a kid I am! If I keep this up any longer I will be premature.
  • Well then, let me drop everything and continue doing nothing!
  • I have mastered the art of sleeping with my eyes open!
  • I work part-time sleeping, and the rest of the time, I sleep!
  • I just have one thing to say! (And that is it.)
  • You know you’re in big trouble if your parents don’t know you’re adopted!
  • One big AB is better than six little ones!
  • I was going to work out but then I broke out into a sweat thinking about it, I figured that would be enough!
  • At my age, I have a body like a Buddhist God!
  • At my age, my wireless connections are disconnected.
  • You are driving me to the state of ad nauseam.
  • How far is it to the middle of the Sahara Desert? ……Simple! Half way across, DUH!
  • How not to make it a big deal?  ….Get a smaller deck!
  • How come I keep under-estimating the value of an estimate?
  • Blessed is the person who thinks I am not as smart as I look – Uh, did I get that right?
  • How can you be the best when there is always someone better then you?
  • “Always be the best you can be.”  That way you can’t get any better.
  • Improvement means you should have done it better the first time.
  • The smarter you get, the dumber you’re not.
  • High intellect is artificial intelligence when common sense is lacking.
  • Get real. It is what it is. And so be it. Let it be what it be.  Don’t let it be what it isn’t.
  • Teacher’s Instructions:  When working on your brief summary it is absolutely essential and absolutely necessary to combine together words whereby you use careful scrutiny of each and every word to reach an end result where you entirely eliminate altogether any and every redundant redundancy.  I will be grading on a curve so each grade is interdependent on each other as well as mutually interdependent. Be brief! After all it is a summary. SHOULD I REPEAT THAT to insure each and everyone of one of you gets it as absolutely correct as reasonably possible.
  • I am not sure it really takes two to tango. I can get all tangoed up on my own.
  • I am retired; not working. But I am working very hard enjoying my retirement.
  • When you are in a world of poop, make light of it.
  • I finally figured out what is wrong with me. I am suffering from an advanced case of artificial intelligence. Is it fatal? How would I know!
  • I am NOT goofing off; I am just on my perpetual break.
  • I’m upper, middle, lower class. I was born with a plastic fork in my mouth.
  • Did you know St Chad’s the patron saint of voting machines? He got a good job and lost it. Gore – Florida ring a bell?
  • I am on a strict diet. Any thing I eat I only eat once. After that it tastes like poop. How did I know that? Not telling.
  • I am far right brained; democrats are far wrong brained.
  • Heinous crimes are crimes against the anus.
  • Anthony Weiner was not circumcised; there wasn’t enough.
  • Pleasure is your favorite ice cream melting in your mouth; drugs melt your mind.
  • I am so old I don’t have any fantasies anymore; just hallucinations.
  • At my age, I haven’t had sex in so long, I can’t remember who gets tied up.
  • Old age is when you lose your mind and can’t’ find it. “It has got to be in here somewhere. Oh, those are my socks.”
  • If you were 1 day younger yesterday, then you are one day older today. Now that is profound.
  • At my age, I start off slow and then tapper off from there.
  • You may be getting older if your Metamucil is where your socks are  supposed to be and your socks are where your Metamucil used to be.
  • I am so old that when I was born, fossils were still growing.
  • Steven Tyler said: He was so old, the Dead Sea was still ill. Man, I could have used that.
  • I only have three issues: Hallucinations, Schizophrenia,  …………and, “Oh dang, I can’t remember the third……….Oh, yea.  Alzheimers.”
  • One only hates to the degree of one’s worthlessness!
  • I love you more or less; whatever that means.
  • I am a wireless connection without a tower.
  • I’m not tall, just above average.
  • My lack of intelligence is well above average.

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