Navy Naming Ship After Obama? Not Quite!

President on Toilet

Obama finaling getting a ship in his name!!

Well, close to a ship. To Obama’s credit they are choosing a piece of naval equipment used for an evacuate of a ship in drydock. You see, when a vessel is brought back to port for repairs it finds its way into a area called a drydock. Once in the drydock, the entrance is closed behind the vessel and the sea water is then pumped out of the drydock area to expose the lower portion of the vessel so it may be repaired. This is really dangerous work and making sure the vessel is propered supported is critical. If the support apparatus is not prepared properly, those working on repair will be exposed to a great deal of danger. Especially, for those deep in the interior of the vessel doing their job who need a quick way to evacuate if something goes wrong.

Hence, a new advance evacuation system was created to enable the evacuation of endangered drydock workers. Similar to the evacuation shoots used on airplanes when a water landing is necessary, there are specifically designated escape locations where those trying to leave the vessel can quickly activate these shoots. The shoots are different than those on airplanes in that they are completely enclosed so if the evacuation happens while water is in the process of being pumped out of or being released into the drydock, the shoot will float. The name for the system is quite appropriate. It is called the Obama Quick Unboarding Injection Capitulation Kangaroo Escape System; or “Obama QUICK Escape System” for short. The system gets its name from what President Obama does in the event of a crisis. His staff unboards him from the White House ship, injects him into a safe area like a fund raising event or golf course and helps him capitulate during disastrous situations that may damage is political image. The material used to construct the shoots is the soft skin in the pouches of older female kangaroos that have begun going through their menopause cycle.

The exit locations are clearly identified with a large sign overhead with the words (Obama Escape System). Once a dockworker exits the shoot at the other end, he or she is met with a high powered golf cart designed to hold 2 evacuees and a back rack used to hold their tool kit. The must bring their kit with them since they will need it on their next drydock repair assignment. Escaping such an event can be very traumatic for the dockworkers some of whom will uncontrollably relieve themselves as a result of the fear associated with the ordeal. Once evacuated the evacuees will have access to ball washers somewhat similar to those found on golf courses across our nation except that they are designed to clean two balls at once. It is important to add that the golf-like carts used in this system are solar powered, a requirement established by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). It should be noted that significant donations to Obama Fundraising efforts had a bearing on this EPA initiative.

The navy was also considering naming a dinghy after him. But to avoid the expense in having to find names for other dinghies the Navy considered naming all the dinghies after him. But then they had to differentiate from each. The most acceptable method was to use the name Obama 1 and Obama 2, etc. They were planning to paint the name on the bottom of each dinghy in large letters to compensate for the magnitude of how great this president is. That idea fell out of favor for two reasons. First, when the examples of the different type sizes and fonts were presented to the White House for review, they misspelled the word dinghy by leaving out the silent ‘H.” This infuriated the White House staff since the word dingy has a totally different definition. Namely, it means a dark, dull, drab or dirty color or aspect; lacking brightness or freshness, shabby, dismal or squalid. But the definition that bothered them the most was discolored. Odd enough, all the words tend to represent the President in some way and even the discolored definition could apply since he is both white and black.

The second concern was that the name would not get enough exposure because these naval vessels rarely capsize. Like Obama’s presidency, the dinghy has a tendency to deflate if damaged and pull into itself. The answer came quickly. They decided to name the Obama QUICK Escape System golf carts after him by printing, in very small letters, Obama 1 and so forth, on the canopy. The secret service was OK with that since Obama’s golf course golf cart has the same size lettering but it is in all caps and named after his Air Force One aircraft: “Golf Cart One.”  As you can tell using the numeral 1 instead of the word “One” on the Obama QUICK Escape System golf cart’s first edition made the naming process acceptable to the Secret Service; no confusion. Not, not unlike the Obama’s Presidency in its entirety –  double “nots” intended.

On a side note: The definition that came the closest to describing our President, was one I found in the Urban Dictionary. It is quoted as follows:

“Dingy is a word that can be used as an adjective to describe someone who is forgetful and makes silly choices at times. It’s similar to ditzy, only usually implies it as less intensified. Often times it refers to someone who has less than average common sense and/or simply doesn’t think about what they are doing, as well as frequently forgetting about what they are doing or what they have planned. Wow!

OK, now all seriousness aside; I need to get on with my next post.

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