The Love of Sexy Tomatoes – Promiscuous, Too.


My wife was a little concerned that her new tomato plant was not bearing fruit. “There has to be something wrong,” she said. “I think Carmelo is lonely.” That’s the name she gave her. She named her after her species name. Carmelo is a Carmelo. My wife then heard that tomatoes need company and need another tomato plant next to them. Now that is so interesting. They need each other so they can cross-pollinate? Well, that brings up a whole range of issues.

When you go buy another tomato plant to put next to your lonely one, do you need to follow certain rules of etiquette and protocol? Of course you do! You are arranging a marriage and you might want to make sure you pick someone who you can be assured with make a good mate and life-long partner. No one-night stands for our Carmelo. Make sure they speak the same language and have something in common. That would mean not picking an Italian like Constoluto Genovese of the Genovese family. He doesn’t speak English, could be a gigolo; or a gangster in the Italian Plant Mafia. Don’t want to get a Hillbilly either, for obvious reasons.  She settled on Paul Robeson. She calls him Paul. Paul and Carmelo – that has a good ring.

It is always a good idea to get a different species. You don’t want any inbreeding. If for some reason, Carmelo would not be able to have children of her own we would have to adopt a nother tomato plant. And what if Paul shows signs of infertility. But first you would want to see the Plant Doctor. Make sure the doctor has proper credentials. He needs to have “PD” after his name. There are lots of plant quacks out there. The doctor will probably try the Plantagra treatment first. That should fire him up. But we need to be careful.  You don’t want a bunch of offspring “growing” around like rabbits.We just hope these issues don’t come up.

When we got Paul home it was love at first site. We kept him in the Home Depot plastic bag so Carmelo doesn’t get to see him in the buff right

Paul is Buff from Working out

away. There needs to be a courtship before the marriage and certainly before consummation. We are old school. We don’t think jumping in the

flower bed right away is acceptable.  But you should have seen Carmelo’s leaves perk up when we disrobed Paul for the first time. Paul was standing tall as well. They hit it off right away. We were so happy they accepted each other immediately. The arrangement was a success. We even made things better by sliding Paul over next to Carmelo. Needless to say, the sparks began to fly.

Arranging marriages is a challenging thing for anyone to do. Our efforts turning out to be very stressful. But managing a courtship is stressful and makes you tired. So my wife and I went up to bed leaving those two to be alone on the glass top picnic table.

It was a warm evening and the sun was beginning to set. The darker it got, the more romantic they became. They could see their reflections in the glass supporting them like mirrors on the ceiling. Only this time, under is just as good. As darkness set in, we tried to go to sleep. But the swishing back and forth was keeping us awake. It was annoying sometimes, or maybe we were just a little jealous. It wasn’t long before we heard the table top start to rattle. “That’s it,” my wife said. We are going to be having some really good tomatoes to eat. I wondered. “how can they do that with all that compose smell around.”

The next day, the early morning sun shed its warm, reddish glow across the patio. Paul and Carmelo were both bathed in a shade of pink. But we knew immediately it wasn’t the sun; it was the embarrassment. They knew that we knew. They both leaned down to see what we saw. There were little piles of plant soil and leaves laying all over the glass table. But that’s ok. That’s exactly what we wanted. It’s just a win-win situation for all of us. They have sex and we get tomatoes. We did learn something, though, as a result of this ordeal. Tomatoes have a hormone imbalance just like people.

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